I don't feel so christmasy...

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RebeccaIsLeft's avatar
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This is an emo journal. Don't read if you don't want to hear me being depressed. ie, if I know you in real life, you might not want to read this, cause you'll get all worried and shit, and this is just me being a normal confused teenager I suppose.

I just feel terribly stressed and tired.

It's not even the Christmas stuff that's stressing me - well, maybe it's part of it. My school does a "Christmas Concert" every year, and my year group is the one to organise it this year.
I've spent the last week painting, building, making posters, writing scripts, organising other people and now I have to learn lines and cues for my acting parts.
We have more than 100 people in our year - I don't see why so much work has been piled up on me.
And apart from all that, I have my AS Maths Module in 3 weeks, which is so important that if I fail I can practically say goodbye to any maths qualifications. I'm trying to study for that, and failing miserably. I got a D in my last practice exam... which isn't so good.
And it's not only maths. I'm finally starting to see how much I'm going to have to work for Chemistry too. My teacher says it's normal not to understand much - which isn't really very encouraging. I hate not understanding stuff. And then there's english coursework and biology exams...

I'm also sick of myself. I feel like I've gotten lost somewhere in my piles of work and the 'parties' I like to have friday nights. This is so stereotypical but I have to say it - I don't really know what I'm really like anymore. Do I really enjoy partying? I like it when I'm out there, and I have a great time, but what about the serious me I'd like to think I am? Maybe my ego is just too big to accept that I'm just another 17 year old girl who secretly likes the idea of a little bit of uncontrolled-ness and 'living', and isn't the cultured, mature, serious, not-girly girl I used to think I was.
I don't know. I'm just really confused.

I feel like crying every day after school. Sometimes it's a test result, sometimes it's homework I don't understand, sometimes it's just something someone said or something someone didn't say.
And then I start getting jealous of people and start hating people who don't deserve to be hated.

It's great how when I see/hear other people talking like this I have a whole ton of things to say to them to make them feel better or to give them confidence, but when I feel like shit I have no idea what to do or what to think anymore.

So yeah... I'm going to stop now. The rest can go into a diary I've been meaning to start for about a month. I feel a bit like I've just been drowned in hormones. Being a teenager kind of sucks.
I'd wish you a merry christmas, but I think I'll leave that for a happier journal in a weeks time or so.

Again, I'm really sorry. And if you read all this, thanks, I guess, for caring/being curious.
It feels good having it all written out. :shrug: I think I'll try having a early night tonight so I can have a little more energy tomorrow...
I promise to write a happy journal as soon as I feel in the right state to do so.

© 2011 - 2024 RebeccaIsLeft
Comments20
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20Tourniquet02's avatar
I would suggest you to leave part of your work to others. And by that, I mean mostly the "Christmas" work. Try to find some more time for your studies. If you miss a Friday night it's not the end of everything. Try to keep up with yourself first and then with others.
I wish you a Merry Christmas as well!:)